The Search for Happiness....

This weekend has been a pretty peaceful, uneventful one. (Especially compared to last weekend's 2 hospital visits and discomfort!)

Today while Ali was napping, I dug into my Bible Study for this week's group meeting. It was about Esther's courage to do what is right. This is definitely something I strive for in my life. I want to be someone people look at with admiration for doing the "right thing" even when it's not the easiest choice or path.

Esther also has a way of doing the right thing with a happy heart and with respect towards those around her. This got me to thinking of other people in my life. Living life with a happy heart is important to me. It's something I work towards. I try not to be fake or dishonest to people. I try to present myself in an honest, straight-forward fashion. I don't ever want to mislead people or misrepresent myself. When thinking of the things I want for myself and how I want to be seen by others, I came across these thoughts.......

Ephesians 4:32:
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

With such a perfect example set before me, I should be able to better model this behavior. I think of myself as a compassionate person but I know that I have struggled to forgive others at times. Often, the hardest person to forgive is oneself. That has definitely been true in my life.

Proverbs 12:20:
Deceit is in the hearts of those who plot evil, but those who promote peace have joy.

This seems like an easy way to have joy in my heart and life. Be peaceful. Live a calm, peaceful life. I feel that I've gotten better at this with age. In my early years of teaching, I would fly off the handle easily (perhaps due to an immense lack of sleep and stress). I feel that in my more recent years of teaching (and life in general, too), I've grown more patient and more peaceful. I try to consider other perspectives and the opinions of those around me. I am usually better able to control my "sassy side" and I have found more joy in my life being able to have this peace about me. Not that I was ever "plotting evil", but I definitely had less joy and significantly less peace in my life just a few short years ago.

Romans 15:13:
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Perhaps my increased peaceful nature has been a result of my efforts to put my trust in God. I have consciously been trying to "let go" of things that I would have previously tried to foolishly control (while not really having any control at all). I've found that when I have turned things over to Him and relinquished my desire to control the outcome, my life has been joyfully fulfilled. This summer, during my job hunt, I was so stressed out and worried about not finding a new job. I dreaded being the only "veteran" teacher left at the ATA in its last year. I cried often and was snippy at Nick about the whole thing. One day I just gave it up. I turned it over to God and acknowledged that I couldn't do it on my own and that it was beyond my strength to deal with any longer. After that point, I got numerous calls for interviews and even ended up being offered a job that I didn't even know existed. Wow He's good! :) The best part of the whole experience was not having to be stressed out about it any more. The stress and worry was replaced with a sense of peace, trusting that He would take care of me. I challenge others out there (who may be reading this) to turn something over to God. Something that has been causing you worry or anxiety. Give it to Him. Trust Him to provide for you and to calm you. I did!

On my search through my Bible for ways to be joyful or have happiness, I found these passages. They mostly hit home for me in my current station of waiting for this baby girl to make her grand appearance!

1 Peter 1:6:
So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.

Wow. What a passage to read during this waiting period. I am definitely enduring many trials right now and though it may seem never ending to me, in the grand scheme of my life, this will only be for a little while. And, at the end of these trials, I will be holding a wonderful little joy in my arms! I will get to snuggle, smooch, and love a new little daughter and this will definitely be my reward. In this I can be truly glad. I'm eager for the trials to end so that this joy can be attained, but I will be patient and trust in God's perfect timing.


Psalm 62:1:
My soul finds rest in God alone. My salvation comes from Him.

This is what I'm doing until dear baby girl comes along............resting. Bed-rest with limited activities, to be specific. While my body may not be able to full recuperate until she's been born (the near-constant contractions are taxing on my muscles, no matter how much "sleep" I get), my SOUL can find rest now. And I have been doing things that have been re-energizing my soul. I've been crafty and I've been able to organize things (which, of course, I love to do!). I've been able to spend days with my darling little Alina Claire and I get to see her grow and learn every day. It's a true gift to my soul. I also have found rest for my soul through my family and friends; their thoughts, prayers, and help through this time have re-energized me in many ways. I am truly enjoying this time, even though it has had its trials and agonies.


And, with this, I am looking at the end of the weekend. Many people have work to go back to tomorrow. I simply have my couch to go to! :) I'm sure when I DO go back to work, I'll look back enviously on my time now, but you know what they say: Hindsight is 20-20. Or perhaps: The grass is greener on the other side. ??? For now, I'm just working on finding JOY in my couch and being held hostage within my own house. (Although that part isn't so bad, I get to send Nick out to run all my errands for me and I never have been very fond of running errands!) My next doctor's appointment is Tuesday at 9:15. I will be 36 weeks by then. I wonder what will have changed by then (besides the scale, that is.....I feel like I've eaten more in the past week than I have in a month......when I'm sitting around, bored, I tend to eat more. NOT good for me at this point in time! haha!!!). Maybe I'll be given the green light to have even more activities. We'll see......

Matthew 6:34

After my post yesterday about patience, I remembered a Bible passage from my study group last week.....

Matthew 6:34:

• New Living Translation: "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."
  

• New International Version: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
  

• The Message: "Give your attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

When I remembered this passage this morning, it was almost like a light was going off for me. It's like God specifically had us discuss this passage at our last Bible Study just for me.

Perhaps my favorite translation is the last one......"The Message". The last sentence: "God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes" hits home to me so much today. I've been worrying about tomorrow and when this baby girl may come. That's not for me to worry about. All I need to do is focus on the day in front of me and getting this little baby through this day only.

Take one day at a time. {Just like my wonderful friends & family have been telling me to do!}

I've also been really thinking about a friend's comment on my entry from yesterday. Specifically, this sentence: "Your journey will have a happy ending, and mine did too - in the end. Sometimes we have no clue how our actions, and words, may touch another." This journey I am on will have a happy ending: getting to hold my new baby! I'm just taking each day at a time now and trying not to worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will have enough worries of its own!

And with that, I'm off to bed, resting up to meet tomorrow!

A Waiting Game.

Another day past.....That means 1 more day little baby "A" has gotten stronger! It's getting tougher and tougher to wait for her to get here. I wish there was a way for me to know what was going on and how she was doing in there!

Last night was a rough night. I must have gotten up a million times to go to the bathroom. I also had a lot of pain again last night. I kept getting up, thinking maybe it'd help me be more comfortable. Didn't work. I had to take an extra Terbutaline pill last night. I hated to do it. They give me such bad heartburn and the shakes. But, they took away the pain and I was able to sleep from about 4 am to 8 am!

Today hasn't been much better in terms of comfort. I made a hair appointment to get a trim & a color touch-up since it has been MONTHS since I've had anything done! I figured that the hair salon could qualify for "light activity" since it only requires me to sit up. I was pretty uncomfortable though.

Maybe I over-did my "light activity" yesterday. I did lots of cleaning and was up on my feet a lot. I think I paid for it last night and today with how sore and uncomfortable I was. It feels like sometimes she's literally going to FALL OUT! She feels like she's SO low. I just feel intense pressure and keep thinking it's going to happen any time now. This waiting time is driving me batty. I don't even get to see my doctor again until TUESDAY at 9:15. That seems so far away..... :(

Today I'm having a very hard time waiting for God's plan. I know baby "A" will come on HIS time schedule, not mine. I just really wish today that I was in on knowing that time schedule, too! I'm being selfish, I know that. How arrogant of me to think that I should know God's plan before He wants me to know it. It's hard, when I want something SO badly, for me to be patient and trusting. I've been praying today for patience and understanding. And also for peace: peace from worrying about baby, peace from the constant discomfort, peace for my heart. Having Ali 5 weeks early showed me that MY plans were not even CLOSE to what God has in store for me. {Remember, Tina, my water didn't break, it was FEBRUARY and I was having an APRIL baby!!!} Now, He's teaching me this all over again. I must not have been a very good student the first time! "They" always say teachers make the worst students! I guess I'm proving that to be true, especially today.

1 Week Later.............

So, I've made it to 35 weeks and 3 days! 1 week past when my labor first started. That's 2 days longer than I carried Ali! I'm still feeling pretty good, not having to be laying down all day helps a lot.

Things I've realized this past week:

• I'm not the best patient. (I find myself questioning what the doctor or nurse tells me, even though I know I have no medical training and they've dealt with situations like mine HUNDREDS of times. I annoy myself when I do it, so I can only imagine how irritating I must be to them!)

• I'm not good at sitting and doing NOTHING. (I blame most of this on the fact that I FEEL fine, like I could be up doing things. If I felt sick, I'd like to think I'd be better about the "bed-rest" thing. Probably not, though!)

• Ali is terribly affected by any disruption from her routine! (Worse than I ever could have imagined!!! She's taken to shouting when she's getting frustrated. I think part of it is that she's getting frustrated not being able to clearly communicate to us what she wants. She's also quite possibly in that "terrible twos" stage, although we've experienced her "sassiness" from day one! Lastly, she's the product of 2 very stubborn parents. So, it's only expected that she's stubborn, too, right? I have to keep reminding Nick of this: she doesn't like to be forced to do things, she likes to figure them out on her own. My independent little darling! {And, honestly, I don't think I'd want to have her any other way. I like that she's independent and intelligent. She doesn't just follow along blindly, she's got a confidence about her already and she likes to have a say in her world. I admire that in a 23-month old!})

• The world (mainly the small little corner of the world that I impact) goes on and continues perfectly fine even if I'm not able to do the things I usually do. (This is something I am striving to be better at realizing. This past year, I've been turning my life over to God and realizing that when I don't try to control things, life has this perfect peace and sense about it. It's hard for a control-freak like myself to do, but every time I do, I find peace and joy.)
  

• My family is wonderful. I have so many people who support me and love me. I need to remember that more often. (This kind of goes along with the previous bullet, but more includes the fact that I don't always have to be so independent. I don't like to rely on others or have people think that I EXPECT them to do anything for me. Sometimes, though, it's nice to just rely on someone else and trust them to do what is needed. I am realizing that other people LIKE to help, too. They don't find it to be a nuisance or annoyance. It makes them feel good to know they've helped out. I know I feel that way when I help others.)

These are just some of the things I can think of right now. I have to head out for now. I'm getting my hair cut today! A few hours of relaxing at the hair salon sounds wonderful to me. I love getting my hair washed by someone else. It's so relaxing! Just don't tell my doctor that I left the house, ok?! :)

Mixed Emotions......

So, my doctor's appointment wasn't quite what I had hoped for. I mostly just am a bundle of mixed feelings right now and don't know which one I am more of. I am happy that she is safe and still growing and getting stronger, but I'm also very ready to be out of this painful stage and be HOLDING my little lovey. It's a tough place to be emotionally.

News from my doctor:

• He still wants me to take the medicine. Yuck. He mentioned trying to make it to 37 weeks. That means 2-3 more weeks of this?! Boo. I'm honestly not real excited to think of that. I asked if the medicine was safe for the baby for that long. He says that it is. I have my suspicions though. It seems like if it makes me so jittery and not feel well, what does it do to baby?! I'll try to be a good, obedient patient though. I don't want to do anything that would compromise my baby's health by having her too early!
• I'm not any more dilated than last time he saw me. I'm still at a 1. This is "good" because it means I'm not progressing at all in my labor / delivery. He liked that. I was sort of surprised / disappointed because I've had all of these contractions and they aren't doing ANYTHING! Geesh.
• I'm not allowed to go back to work until at least 6 weeks AFTER I have the baby. This is good AND bad, actually. Since I'm the sole income right now, if my short-term disability doesn't kick in right away due to being in the hospital over night, then I have to take a portion of the time unpaid. This is not my preferred choice. Of course we have plenty of savings to get us through, but I don't like to ever use our savings account. So, I'm praying that my disability coverage gets approved and it starts right away. Pray with me, won't you?!
• I'm allowed "limited activity". This is WONDERFUL! I don't have to be laying all day any more, which has greatly decreased my pain! I'm not nearly as sore as I was the past few days. Laying on my side or back has been way more painful than anything else so far this pregnancy. It's also good for me because after only 3 days of strict "bed-rest", I was going nutty. Now I at least have "permission" to be up doing things and Nick can't get on my case if I'm off my couch for more than 30 seconds! :)
• My doctor doesn't plan to stop my labor if it starts again. Although, he told me to only go in if I start to get the harder, more painful contractions rather than just the annoying, constant tightening ones that I've been having. The ones I have been having just leave me feeling exhausted. It's like one of those old "ab belts" that sends electrical impulses to your muscles to make them contract without your control. While it doesn't "hurt", it does get very tiresome after 4 days of constant contracting.
  

And this is kind of where I am at now. I just feel TIRED. I feel like if I WERE to actually go into labor now, my body might be too tired to even successfully HAVE the baby. I'm hoping that it's just the emotional roller coaster I've been on for the past week (almost) and that now that things have calmed down, I'll be able to recuperate a bit and store up some energy.

Pre-Term Labor Days....

I feel compelled to document here my experiences with this new little lady's pregnancy & labor. Mostly just so that I won't forget the details, but also so that I can express myself and not feel like I'm boring someone with my details / complaints (if you're reading this, you can always skip, skim, or read the whole truth. it's up to you!). So, here it comes. My tale of torture! :)

I've had a very uneventful, calm, wonderful pregnancy. I've not had any problems. I've only had a few minor issues to deal with: coffee tastes too bitter & not yummy like it used to, I couldn't eat chicken for the first few months, and I had an increased sense of smell. Nothing out of the ordinary. Pretty basic & very easy. I had plenty of energy, kept up with Ali pretty well, and even took on a new job being newly pregnant. I haven't gained 50 pounds like last time, only 30 pounds so far. Hoping to keep these last few weeks / days under control, too! The other significant difference between this pregnancy and Ali's is that this little lady is ACTIVE! I feel her move ALL the time and I can actually SEE her moving just by looking at my belly. She does flip-flops all the time and my stomach looks like something from a sci-fi movie. It's an amazing feeling and I could just sit & watch her move all day!

Fast Forward to Wednesday, January 19th. After work, Nick, Ali, & I went to my mother-in-law's house for dinner. I was having a lot of contractions / cramping and just didn't feel so well. I went to bed and laid down almost immediately after we got home. Laying down seemed to help the contractions die down some.......or at least I didn't feel them after I fell asleep!

Thursday morning I woke up and just didn't feel "good". I got ready for work and everything, but I just felt strange. In fact, I felt so strange that I brought down my suitcase for the hospital and asked Nick to pack it in the car. He laughed at me and thought I was being silly, but I just had a hunch that it wouldn't be much longer before we'd be having our new little bundle of joy.

Well, I was somewhat right.............all day I felt nauseous and had contractions. Mostly they were just Braxton-Hicks type with the tightening but no real pain or anything. I tried eating some food, but 1/2 a banana later, I couldn't bear to eat anything else. I went for a walk, drank some water, used the restroom, etc. I kind of just felt gross, but I was trying to stick it out at work since I don't have a ton of sick days. I just kept convincing myself that I could hang out another hour. Then it was 12:00 and I thought, well, I made it 1/2 the day, I'll just stick it out a bit longer. Along came 1:00. If I made it to 1:00, 2:00 wasn't that far off, then I'd just leave early. 2:00 showed up and that meant in just 1 hour 3:00 would be here and leaving 1 hour early was DEFINITELY no big deal. Then 3:00 came and I was feeling REALLY bad. Contractions were stronger and I just really felt nauseous and ill. I finally called my doctor's office who told me that I needed to get to the hospital and get checked out. By my clock, I was having contractions every 4 minutes or so. Although, still, they were just tightening, not real painful. By the time I got to the hospital & got all wired up, I was having contractions every 1 minute!

The nurse calculated that I was at 34 weeks and 4 days. They didn't seem to like the idea of me delivering at this gestational age. I just kept thinking that Ali was born at 35 weeks and 1 day and she was healthy and strong. Maybe my body just can't "cook" babies longer than that. Maybe I'm just not physically able to do it. We decided to try to stop the labor though. They pumped me full of IV fluids. 3 bags and all the water I could stomach. None of it helped. My doctor came in and checked me and I was dilated to a 1. When I came in I was closed, so the contractions were slowly progressing me and he was NOT happy about that. They admitted me into the hospital for at least an over-night stay. After the 3 bags of fluid had no effect, we tried some medication to stop the contractions. They gave me 3 injections of a medication called Terbutaline which is used to relax the smooth muscle of the lungs and uterus. It's actually used for asthma patients typically, but can do the trick for labor, too. Well, not for me. 3 injections (the max dosage) later, my contractions had spaced out to every 4 minutes, but had not decreased in strength. The nurse re-checked me and I was still only a 1, which was "good" since the contractions weren't dilating my cervix. (Mostly because I was laying flat and not allowing any pressure to be on my cervix, I think.) They decided it would be a good idea to get a steroid shot to help develop the baby's lungs in case I did deliver early. This shot was painful. Jammed right into my thigh muscle, it made it cramp immediately! After consulting with the doctor again, I took an Ambien to help me go to sleep. This finally seemed to do the trick. My contractions died down and I was able to sleep a bit. I think I only got about 5 hours of sleep, but I did feel a bit better in the morning.

I spent the morning in the hospital, having contractions but nothing real consistent or strong. My doctor called it an "irritability" pattern, with them coming every 6-8 minutes but having periods between them of very irritable status. All I know is that it felt crappy. I was basically given the directions that as long as things kept "quiet" I could leave after lunch. I could get the 2nd steroid shot around 4 (it had to be 24-hours after my 1st shot) and then I'd be ok to go back home. I ordered breakfast and then Nick & Ali came to visit me. It was the cutest thing. I could hear her shouting "Where's Momma?" all the way down the hallway as she clumped along in her purple sparkly converse tennis shoes. As soon as she came in the room, she screamed "MOMMA!" and jumped towards my bed. Seeing her and hearing the joy in her voice at seeing me made me feel 100 times better than any medications since I'd arrived! :) She ate some of my breakfast of popsicles, juice, tea, and other liquids and then she and Nick left for home.

The rest of my day was spent trying to get comfortable on a rock-hard hospital bed. The rule was that I had to be basically flat and on one of my sides. I'd have terrible back pains if I laid on my back and my right side was pretty tender, too, so that basically gave me the option of staying only on my left side, which was quickly becoming increasingly painful. Then, miraculously, I was allowed to get up and take a shower. It's amazing how a shower can make you feel almost human again.

So I was back in bed for a few more hours, waiting for the 24-hour clock to toll so that I could get my shot & go home. I'd stuck it out pretty well with only my cell phone and iPod touch to play with, (Oh, and I had the awesome hospital tv to keep me company.) I decided to try to lay on my right side for a bit since my left side was getting so sore from laying on it so long. This was NOT a good idea. After being on my right side for just 5 minutes, I was in EXCRUCIATING pain that started in my back and wrapped around to my front right side. It was TERRIBLE. I was actually brought to tears by the intensity of it and by how quickly it came on. I pushed the little red nurse button and she came in right away. She seemed surprised to find me in so much pain so quickly since the rest of the morning had been so quiet and uneventful. She had me roll back over to my left side & wrapped warm blankets on my right side & back. It took a few minutes, but the pain slowly faded away and I could breathe regularly again. We're not sure what set it off, but apparently being on my right side or my back makes me go into labor. As long as I stay securely cemented on my left side, it seems that labor subsides. Oh my goodness.

So, after the painful re-emergence of my labor, I was given my 2nd steroid shot, watched on the monitors for another hour or so, and then given the ok to head home. I was told to get ready slowly and take my time getting out of the hospital so that I didn't start up the contractions again. Well, just the walk to my car was too much and I was contracting by the time I got my keys out of my pocket to get in my van. This was not going well, but I didn't want to have to spend another night on that hospital bed with them not being able to really do anything to help me anyways, so I pressed on towards home. I was home and on the couch by 4:30. Jake had hockey at 5:15. Nick's mom decided to come over and help with Ali since I wasn't feeling very well yet. It was a good thing that she did because Ali was in a cranky mood, having missed her afternoon nap. This has definitely been a lesson in taking help from others, if nothing else. I don't like to be dependent on anyone. I like to be in control of myself and do things on my own. This experience, however, has taught me (slowly) that I have great people around me who can help me and who make my life easier!

I rested as best I could that night. Trying to stay only on my left side and having lots of pain if I rolled to my right side or if I got up to do anything. I went to bed early, but couldn't sleep very late because my body hurt so much from all of the laying around. Saturday I was as good as I could be..........I only got up to make lunch, take a shower, and go to the bathroom. Ali didn't like it very much that I wasn't up playing with her and she was really pretty crabby. She could definitely tell something wasn't right and she was feeling it, too. Poor little girl. Her world will be greatly changed very soon. I wish there was a way for me to ease that traumatic experience for her, but I'm not sure how yet. The rest of Saturday passed quite uneventfully. Nick worked on finishing Ali's loft-bed, we watched movies, & spent a lot of time together on the couch. I wasn't having too many contractions and I was just moderately sore from laying.

Sunday Nick took the kiddos to church with him to get them all out of the house and give me some peace. :) Not that I took advantage of it, of course. Like I said, I'm terrible at sitting & doing nothing. I get too anxious and think of all of the things I SHOULD be doing and just can't contain myself. I took another indulgent shower and got dressed. (This had been the highlight of my life the past 3 days!) and then I decided that putting some clothes in the washer wouldn't be too much for me. If I could be up to make lunch or shower, turning a knob on a machine shouldn't be beyond my capabilities, right? So, I did it. I put in a load of laundry. Nick was mad, of course, but I felt fine. Then I promised to be "good" the rest of the day and I lounged on the couch and knitted the baby blanket for little Miss "A" for the rest of the afternoon. Well, maybe the laundry wasn't a good idea or maybe I'm just ready to have this little one, but around 3;30 I was having contractions again! I drank lots, laid only on my left side, and did all the things I'd been instructed to do. None of them stopped the rhythmic tightening I was feeling. I told Nick to put my suitcase back in the car and away I went back to the hospital to get checked out again!

This time I was having contractions every 2 minutes. Still only dilated to a 1 though, so that was still "good" news according to them. I wasn't really in "PAIN", just discomfort and anxiety over the never-ending contractions. I got 2 more bags of IV fluid. That didn't help. Then came the injections again. The 1st one seemed to kill the contractions pretty good, but within a 1/2 hour, they were re-surfacing, so I got the remaining 2 doses. After an hour or so, they were creeping back up on me. This was getting pretty old. They gave me a prescription for the Terbutaline pill and sent me home even though the contractions were still regular. I'm just worried now how I know what the "real thing" is now. I'm supposed to take these pills every 4-6 hours or as early as every 3 if I'm feeling contractions. Well, the medicine makes me jittery, my heart race, and gives me terrible heartburn. I'm not planning to take this for very long. I hope they are on board with my plan. If my body is "ready" to have this baby, I'm not going to keep stopping it and subjecting my little darling to all of those side-effects, too. So, I got home Sunday night around 11:30 and went right up to bed.

Monday morning I had a whole "To-Do" list for my hubby. He needed to fill my prescription from the night before, head to my work and do some errands for me, and to get me pizza to eat! :) He did well and got everything done that I needed. He had class at 10, so he took Ali to his mom's around 9:30 and dropped off my prescription at the pharmacy. After class, he headed to my work and got my paperwork for my leave, dropped off my dr's note for my bed-rest, and he also turned in my work phone for texting students. (Glad I don't have to handle that while I'm home!) He came back around 1:30 / 2:00 with Ali and we watched a movie that she picked out. She was pretty crabby, having only slept for a bit on Nick's mom. She took a good, 2-hour nap after the movie though. Nick had class again at 6 until 9 pm so I just kept Ali home with me. If she would've gone to his mom's, she wouldn't have been home until after 9 and then not settled for bed until closer to 10. Her usual bedtime is between 7:30 and 8:00 pm, so I just chose to keep her home. That wasn't my best choice in the past few days. She was CRANKY! Worse than normal. If this little girl's schedule gets disrupted, she really takes it out on those around her. She just couldn't decide what she wanted and when I gave her what she THOUGHT she wanted, she'd change her mind and have a fit. Finally, 8:00 rolled around, I brushed her teeth, and I snuggled her into her bed.

So, here it is, Tuesday. The day I've waited for since Thursday night. I get to go meet with my doctor and see how things are going. I'm hoping to discuss with him not taking the pills any longer. I'm really feeling like my body is ready to have the baby. I'm very crampy & uncomfortable and even my milk is getting ready! (What do I do with that?! Should I pump? I'm worried if I don't, will it stop coming in?) I just don't think that I'm going to be able to do this for 5 more weeks and I hope that that is not his plan. Any time I'm up from a laying position, the contractions come back. I feel it's kind of unnatural and a little like torture to keep forcing my body to refuse to have the baby. It's very uncomfortable. However, I also want a healthy baby, of course. I just pray to God that little baby "A" is healthy and strong, like her big sister was, and that we could even take her home with us when we DO have her.

So, at 1:30, I get to go talk with my doctor and I'll re-post then. Hoping things are progressing and that I'll be able to hold my sweet baby girl very soon.

Resurrecting the Old Girl...

So, with my seemingly infinite bed-rest sentence (even though it's only been 3 days!), I decided to resurrect my old blog. Here are a few of the reasons why I've decided to bring this old girl back to life:

• LISA: My best friend since 4th grade. She moved to Shanghai, China to work with a program teaching English to the natives there for a year. We've been emailing back & forth regularly and it's been very therapeutic for me. I feel more at peace having discussed with her my thoughts / feelings for the day, so I got to thinking that maybe my blog would be helpful, too.
• BOREDOM: I hate not doing anything. I'm not very good at it. I'm bored sitting here. I don't have anyone to talk to, for the most part, and I don't know how much longer I'll be sitting here.
• BARB: My friend from the ATA. She asked if I had a blog. She mentioned that I should share my experiences with my pregnancy. Perhaps what I say or write about will help someone else.
• CREATIVITY: Since I can't scrapbook laying down (unless I can rig up some kind of low-level table), I am feeling the need for a creative outlet. Perhaps this blog could fill that spot for a while.
• JEALOUSY: Honestly, I see other people write in blogs, take photos of their daily lives, and just doing simple things every day that make me wish I had done that, too. So, perhaps the green streak will be enough to keep me motivated and posting!

So, here it comes. My old, new blog. It's nothing fancy and I don't want to offer any promises of posting frequency or importance. I hope it fulfills at least a portion of what I'm seeking. That's my only goal.