Realization ...

I had an epiphany the other day when thinking of how frustrating it is for me when Jake's 9-year-old attitude is snobby and hurts my feelings.  I get so hurt when he acts like he doesn't want to be with Nick, Ali, Adrienne, & I  ......

I thought of how Jake's attitude is so much like my own has sometimes been in terms of following God's will in my life.  I began thinking about how God must feel, having His own daughter not follow Him or do what He asks.  

It's strangely parallel to what I am experiencing with Jake.  And I'm not saying that I am flat-out meaning to defy God.  But perhaps I don't listen to His whispers to my heart as well as I could (or should).  

I thought of this again this morning as I was asking Jake to help me get things ready for church this morning and I asked him to get something off of a shelf.  He didn't listen to the details, he just opened the closet and started looking around, rummaging through things, making my closet a mess.  

How many times has God spoken to me but I've been too busy to listen to the details?  

How often have I "rummaged" through whatever it was He asked me to do and made a complete mess of it rather than listen to His guidance and followed it precisely?

Maybe I'm beginning to hear Him more or I'm learning how to listen better because I am definitely seeing myself through Jake's actions.  Perhaps I'm ungrateful for what God has given me.  (Nick & I often comment on how Jake seems ungrateful for many things and always expects people to do things or give him things.  And, while he is getting better, he is still quite often very ungrateful seeming.)  

Now I just need to keep listening to see what He wants me to do next.....

Mommy Confession............

So, as I was laying next to Ali in her big-girl bed, snuggling her and enjoying a precious moment in time with her, I had a mini-melt-down. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones or maybe this is just part of mommy-hood, but I need to vent / share it here for advice and perhaps even for reassurances from other 2nd-time mommies out there.

Ali has a new, big-girl bed and she's been napping up there during the day. Nick built it for her from a plan I found on a site called: "Knock-Off Wood". The lady who runs the site gets inspired by name-brand furniture and makes build plans for inexpensive ways to replicate the pieces. He had never built anything like this before and I think he did a GREAT job! :)


We've tried night-time a few days now and she finally seems to be getting the hang of staying in bed & not coming down to play. Well, I decided to give it another try last night. And, she did great! She actually spent the WHOLE night up there! I'm so proud of her! Now, this means that I can move the crib out of her room and get it all set up for new baby sister! (This is probably what I'll do today.)

So, here's the confession part......as I was laying there next to Ali, snuggling her, smooching on her, and just LOVING every second she let me, I was FLOODED with emotions.

• First, I started thinking about how wonderful that time with her was. She was letting me snuggle her in her big-girl bed. She'd stretch her little forehead towards me for kisses. She'd giggle and chatter about silly things like her "puppy" or her "babies". It's so cute to listen to her talk away in her little 2-year-old speech. It truly melts me to my core.

• Then, I started thinking about how I should really SAVOR this little moment with my daughter. I know there will be a day (and I know it will come all too quickly) that she won't want to talk to me or let me hug & kiss on her or that she'll be angry for not being "cool" or understanding what she's going through. And I know that that day will break my heart. And, when I started to think about that I started to get teary-eyed and weepy! :*(
  

• Next, I started thinking about how much I love this little girl. I remember back 2 years ago, before I had my little lovey, and I remember thinking how excited I was to have a baby to love, but I had NO IDEA how much love I would have for her. I always thought it was so cliche for people to gush about how a child changed their life, heart, soul, etc., but it was so very true for me in every aspect of my life. She was the easiest-going baby and has been a pure joy in every way since then. I never realized how much love you could have for your child and it made me weep even MORE thinking about how much she's fulfilled my life.

• Then, because I'm a worry-wort, I started thinking about if something ever happened to her that hurt her or caused her to be taken from me. I just laid there, thanking God, for blessing me with a healthy, beautiful, intelligent daughter and thanking Him for keeping her safe every day of her life. She was born 5 weeks early and has never had any complications from that. She was (and is) our little miracle! I remember leaving the hospital without her and being so crushed. It was the emptiest I've ever felt. And then I also remembered being so emotional during that time, both before we were able to bring her home, and just a short time afterward. I remember I'd burst into tears randomly and Nick would try to console me, even though I was crying because I just felt so happy. One time that stuck out very distinctly in my head was when we were going to my parents' house on our first Easter with Ali. Darius Rucker's song "It Won't Be Like This For Long" came on the radio and as we were driving, I was bawling. Nick tried his best to comfort me and I eventually felt better about it, but that song still makes me teary-eyed! And, so, as I was thinking back to this car ride, I of course started tearing up even more! At this point, with tears streaming down my face, I was trying to sob silently so that Ali wouldn't hear me. She was starting to drift off to sleep and would occasionally reach out her hand to my face and say "Mommy". It was so sweet, it would make me cry even harder!

• OK, now here's the part I really needed to share. As I lay there thinking about all of these things, I thought of how blessed I am and how happy I am with the life Nick & I have made together. Then I started thinking about this new little baby girl coming soon. And I started to wonder how I can possibly feel as much love for this new little one as I do for Ali. It sounds horrible when I type it or if I were to even say it out loud, doesn't it?! I just feel so FULL of love for Ali and our family right now that I can't imagine where there is room for more love to be for new baby "A". I've heard the saying that a mother's heart GROWS with each child she has, but I guess I just worry that I won't have the same bond / feelings for this new baby as I did / do for Ali. And thinking that made me even more upset. I don't want this baby to be any less loved. I don't want her to ever feel "less" than Ali. And I want to have the same bond with the new little lady as I do with Ali. I guess this is the part I was struggling with pretty badly last night.......how can I possibly love 2 princesses as much as I love my Ali-goat? Is it even humanly possible to love that much? I'm just so worried about that. I try to reassure myself that it will happen, just like it did with Ali and that this new little princess will change my life in even more incredible ways, but it's just so hard to imagine right now!

• I thought about my parents and how they raised 4 daughters. They are such amazing role models to me. They were selfless parents. We had a home-cooked, family dinner every night. We spent every night home, playing with our toys, imaginations, and just being together as a family. We were outdoors virtually ALL DAY in the summer, riding bikes, playing basketball, exploring the 60 acres of land my parents owned. I just remember my childhood (and even my current adult life) as being full. Full. Full of love from my parents, full of joy knowing my parents are proud of me, and full of hope for what is to come. I don't remember ever feeling that my parents loved me less or differently than my 3 sisters. And knowing that they did it, helped me a little bit to think that maybe I can do it, too.

So, that's my mommy confession for today. I'm so excited to meet my new princess, but, being the incurable perfectionist that I am, I just want to be a good mommy and I want my daughters to always feel loved and adored by me. If you've made it to this point and have any advice or words of consolation for me, I'd appreciate it. I think I'm just feeling emotional about being a 2nd time mommy and doing it "right".